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spacer.gif   Who Will Be The Next Mayor Of Chicago: ME, That's Who!
Posted by : cj on Thursday, September 09, 2010 - 06:49 PM
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Chicago Poetry Letters Section .
I hereby officially pull out of the race for Mayor of Chicago. I endorse Miguel del Valle. Below is an archive of my platform.




Dear Chicagoans,

Da Mayor Daley announced that he does not plan to seek another term, which means on February 22, 2011, Chicago will hold its first open Mayoral election since 1947. That's right. The seat is up for grabs and I intend to grab it as an independent candidate. I'm sure Jesse and Rahm or whoever will make worthy adversaries, but let's face it, they are politicians and there is enough dirt stuck to them to feed my front porch garden for another year, so it's time for a poet to take charge of this Windy City and I am one hundred percent serious.

I will file for the mayoral race between November 15 and 22, but in order to run, first I will need 12,500 signatures from registered voters who live in Chicago. Shit. We live in the age of the internet, so, no problem! Please click the "like" button at Facebook.com/TheNextMayorOfChicago and I will let you know how you can help get signatures when the time is right. Or email me. Don't worry 'bout it. We'll get it done.

MY CHICAGO POETRY PARTY PLATFORM.

My Chicago Poetry Party Platform is simple. Make Chicago a fun place to live in and people will be happier. There will be less crime. Doesn't it seem like you are being punished sometimes for living in Chicago? Your taxes are high. You can't hang out without some undercover goon giving you the evil eye. Everything costs too much. There are cameras everywhere snapping your picture. You can't do anything without first getting a permit. What the hell? Why doesn't the city just let us have some real fun once in a while? Well, as the new Mayor of Chicago I am going to put an end to all of that crap.

Here are ten promises that I will KEEP. If Rahm, or Jesse, or whoever is masochistic enough to go against me, can't make real promises like this, then DON'T vote for them. As Chicago's new Mayor:

--I will give that billion dollars back to the firm that quadrupled the cost of our parking meters and then I will allow all city residents to park for FREE. I'm not fooling around. You've earned it, Chicagoans.

--I will give the boot the boot. No longer will you be caught with a boot on your car when you are trying to get your mother to the hospital. That's just evil. There are less asshole-ish ways to get people to pay their parking tickets.

--I will push to allow bars to be granted a "smoking" permit so that smokers don't have to freeze their asses off in the winter, and so that pedestrians don't have to smell that awful stench each time they walk pass a tavern. If people want to go to a smoking bar why don't we let them?

--Liquor stores will be able to sell their products 24/.7. As Mayor of Chicago I simply do not understand the difference between purchasing liquor at three in the afternoon or three in the morning. If you want to get drunk that is your choice: who cares what time you do it at? Word.

--I am going to launch Operation Save Englewood, during which Chicago will make improvements to that neighborhood, paid for by a new tax on new construction condominiums. If the yuppies tear down this city's architecture in order to build cinder block boxes, then the yuppies are going to have to give Mrs. Jones some new siding for her house! And that's all there is to it!

--I will demand that the CTA bring back the "transfer." Right now if you want a bus transfer you have to get a Chicago Plus card that involves a credit card or bank account, and that is discriminatory to the poor. Everyone should have the same public transportation rights in Chicago. Stop punishing the poor for being poor.

--I will investigate reports of police brutality!

--Furthermore, I am going to lower the sales and property taxes. Your taxes are outrageous, Chicagoans. You need some relief and I will deliver it.

--I am going to make Chicago more fun and less anal by keeping the parks and beaches open longer. And I'm going to make sure the prices at festivals such as Taste of Chicago are reduced for city residents, because who can afford to pay six dollars for a hot dog or eight dollars for a little cup of Budweiser? And I am going to hold MORE of these festivals. There will be festivals ALL YEAR LONG under my leadership, because when I call it the Chicago Poetry Party, I DO mean PARTY.

--And there will be no such thing as a promoter's license or permit needed for entertainment. Do you want to read your poetry or play your guitar at a cafe or bar? Then do it. Your new Mayor will cheer you on.

Don't worry. I have a fool proof plan on how to pay for all of this, a plan that I will reveal when the time is right. My plan simply cannot fail.

So get ready to vote for CJ Laity for Mayor of Chicago. I am going to run this city like a city, not like an internment camp.

Your next Mayor,

CJ Laity

PS, please help spread the word!!

CJ Laity wants to be Mayor of Chicago




Note: The position of Mayor of Chicago is up for grabs and I am grabbing it. Click here to learn more.

 
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